You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
