i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
