im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
