I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
