i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
