i just had sex bonerless
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
