I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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