i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
