Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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