there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
