i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
