Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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