My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
