Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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