Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
