I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
