I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
