i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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