i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
