A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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