You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
