yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
