You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
