i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
