sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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