Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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