Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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