i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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