This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
