yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
