i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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