can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
