I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
