I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize