my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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