I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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