thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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