My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
"it" just moved
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
