im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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