I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
