Got a toothbrush?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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