At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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