I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
