Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
