Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
