He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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