Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I checked into jail on foursquare
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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