do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
