I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Found your dick twin last night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize