The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
