A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You were trust falling into bushes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize